Balancing Moms on the Rise!

Hill Veteran Kristin Wells Joins Patton Boggs' Renowned Public Policy Team

Teachable Moment

Second grade home-work came down on me like a ton of bricks. Yes, you read that right. It came down on ME - as I was frantically trying to figure out the magic formula to getting home from work only to be faced with home-work assignments that had me asking Princess incredulously, on an almost daily basis: "didn't they teach you how to do this at school?"
I would approach the home-work process begrudgingly, leading to much frustration for me and Princess (and even hubby once he got home as I would immediately let him know just how much he was NOT contributing to this process).

Then at the end of second grade, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head - the money I pay the school for my daughter's education does not take the place of my active parenting. I needed to change my attitude about this process. So at the end of second grade I headed to bookstores, picked up summer bridge activities and brainquest workbooks, downloaded and printed numerous online materials from the math playground and started our "home, home-work" (as we fondly call it). Princess and I started having "bonding time" around academic activities all summer and throughout the school year. Princess is now soaring academically and consistently approaches her work with a positive attitude and a willingness to try new things.

Last weekend Princess wrote an essay - and shared that one of her favorite activities is spending time at night with her mom doing "work". When I asked her why, she responded - "it's because I get to learn in a fun way and spend time with you." And just like that I was reminded - life (and parenting) really isn't so much about what you do, but how you do it.

Halloween Math

This morning I sat with my kids as we sorted, grouped and counted their Halloween candy - it was really Princess' math homework and not to be undone, Prince joined in the fun.  So I thought I would provide Princess with some additional math facts to chew on ... the next time Halloween falls on a Saturday, you will be 8 + 7 ... yes, my Princess will be 15.  This means, our next Halloween Saturday party will look nothing like the one we had last night.  Yet one more reason to remember that we should savor these moments (rushing from one Halloween party back home to another Halloween party combined with trick-o-treating). Exhausted at the end of the day? Sure!  But with math facts like these... need I say more?

Birthday Dilemma

So during the period that I was absent from my blog, my son celebrated his 4th birthday.  Of course, on the other side of the scale, was the marketing summit that was being put on by my clients at work - a week long intensive of meetings, break out sessions, lunches, dinners etc.  What to do? Attend the dine-a-round dinner or skip out for the birthday celebration.  

I finally made peace with the fact that although the summit was conveniently located in my home city (this time), if it was in another city, birthday or not, I would have missed the festivities. Instead I focused on the reality that Prince did not know exactly which "day" of the week was his birthday -- so we sang happy birthday the night before then celebrated in fine style at his party the following Saturday.

Sometimes being a working mom means you will miss precious moments.  But increasingly, I am realizing that the key to my sanity is making choices that are practical with the understanding that I cannot be everywhere, all the time and I will never make everyone in my life happy.  So if my son is too young to realize that we celebrate his birthday on a day that isn't his birthday, then the world won't stop if I "miss" his birthday... especially if I make up for it by giving him personal neighborhood train rides at his party :-)

Girls Day Out

So Princess recently joined this after school activity - "Go Girls Go".  A phenomenal program introduced by her PE teacher to get the 3-6th grade girls bonding and focusing on healthy attitudes.   A part of this program involves a few Saturday excursions with girls and their moms.  Today was the first - a hike through Rock Creek Park.  Not sure why I was under the impression that this would be a leisurely stroll through the park, inhaling fresh air and observing the fall leaves.  Instead, it's a power walk through the trail - up hill, down hill, around hill.  The moral of the story - when a PE teacher is leading a hike, it is meant to be heart rate increasing exercise.  It is now 9:40 and I still have not recovered - mild throbbing pain in my head coupled with aching joints.  Girls Day Out has certainly lead to Mom's night in as Princess is off at a sleep over with her girls.  On the bright side, Prince is neatly tucked away in bed (as not to be undone, he had a friend sleep over tonight too)! All's well that ends well.  Now for a martini and a good night's rest.

Memorable Moments

Last night I decided that I would start my re-entry to the blogging world by sharing daily "memorable moments".  Little things that happened over the past few months that are worth sharing.  In true Murphy's law fashion, the process created another memorable moment of its own. While drafting my note, hubby comes in to inform me that I "forgot" to pay a bill.  I retort indignantly that I did no such thing and direct him to my folder of "paid" bills.  Sure enough, the bill is hiding in the bottom of my folder (unnoticed and unpaid).  In the mayhem that ensues, Prince starts jumping all over, I'm trying to figure out what happened, and my entire post gets deleted, thereby shutting down my Memorable Moments effort.  I've decided this is a temporary setback and hope to share some noteworthy moments over the next few days. Stay tuned.

Change is in!

What a summer it's been!  Got a new job - this explains the fact that I haven't updated my blog basically since I accepted that job.  It's kind of weird, I feel like I'm in this state of suspended animation - I haven't worked out or blogged since. I have this feeling that this change has added a huge weight on the scale, and I've been operating with this fear, that the slightest thing might tip the scale in the wrong direction.  So I've dropped a few non-essentials and tried to focus on big picture things.  I'm carefully trying to balance all the natural stressers that go along with a new job, while incorporating all the essential fall activities - kids back at school, parent volunteer activities, required school events, kid's birthdays and of course, extra-curricular activities.  

So to go along with the new job, I'm focusing on having a new attitude.  These are my new rules: Simplify. I've embraced the reality that each child does not need to do 5 activities to be well rounded.  Princess is now doing two activities only (gymnastics and piano) and Prince is doing one (swimming).  The nice thing about having a big spread between the kids is that you can cut yourself some slack.  Princess only started taking piano lessons seriously last year and she's excelling.  So now I know I need not spend thousands (literally) of dollars taking Prince to music classes between the ages of 3-6. Embrace.  Embrace the imbalance and especially the tough moments.  So instead of getting frustrated with the significant parental involvement that homework necessitated last year, I've decided that I'm going to view this as an opportunity to keep learning.  I'm learning new ways to do math and new facts about US history (which I never studies as a kid since I did not grow up in the US).  

Here's the punch line - now that I've embraced the need to help with homework, Princess has taken another one of those turns - she doesn't seem to need my help anymore.  Not sure how long this will last ... but it sure feels good and it is a reminder that change is inevitable.  Even as I typed this blog, Prince started screaming because he wanted to look at the Power Puff girls on my iphone, but for some reason it wouldn't work.  I just kept typing - said a few calm words to him - and kept typing.  Then remarkably, the crying stopped. I've finished my post and I'm reminded  - change is inevitable - no condition in life is permanent ... not even a crying baby (that would be my now four year old son)!

 

Something new ...

About a month ago I decided that I'm going to embrace the corporate experience in its entirety.  For years (10 years to be precise) I have been struggling with the corporate establishment - engaged in this push and pull - trying to be a rising professional star, while at the same time being a star mom.  Yet, if I had to be honest with myself, I could admit that my professional "best" has always come with resentment (because of what it took from my kids) while my mommy best comes with feelings of joy and accomplishment (most of the time).  The irony is that the things my professional best give me - i.e. the ability to live in a beautiful home, in a great neighborhood and to send my kids to private school - should never be taken lightly or disregarded.  

This is the reality that made me sign up for golf lessons with a friend about a month ago.  Off we went, two weekends in a row, to Olney Golf Park for what have turned out to be very fun lessons.  Then, to make it better, we went to practice one Saturday morning because my friend lives on a golf course in Bethesda.  To my great surprise, I'm LOVING it!  What's not to love - quiet time, with no-one calling and asking me to do anything and I'm not even breaking a sweat.  The only competition while you're out there perfecting your swing, is You!  How do you make the next shot better than the one before - that's it!  Of course, the thought occurred to me one Saturday morning that anytime men are all over something, women should jump right on it because chances are, we're missing out when we don't.  In this case, we miss out both the down time AND the professional opportunities that the game lends itself to.

The irony here is that I started off with the intention of not having to decline the next golf invitation that came my way. I have now accepted that career growth requires a mastery of both technical proficiency and effectively working the social space. And to be honest, there are some special challenges when working that space as a black woman who also happens to be a mother.  But in the process, I have found a space for myself that I quite enjoy - one where my family can join in the fun sometimes, but one where I can be tranquil and reflective. So here's to my new discovery ... let me know if you want to join in sometime - I promise you just might like it!

Time Flies

So this morning, Princess woke me at 6:00am ... I repeat ... Princess woke me at 6:00 am, with a smile, fully dressed and informed me that she already had her breakfast. "Breakfast!!!" My daughter's breakfast for the past eight years (with the exception of the odd guilt infused week) has consisted of a cup of chocolate milk -- thanks to (a) the article that informed me there is more energy packed into a cup of chocolate milk than Gatorade and (b) the fact that I decided to unpick the battle of rushing to make breakfast then fight with a child for 30 minutes after that about eating it, only to throw it all away at the 35th minute (minus two bites when it's time to rush out the door).

But I digress. My daughter's birthday present to me was yet another one of those sharp bends in the road of motherhood - that arrives without warning - and signals that we have again transitioned and there is now one less thing that I will be "doing" for my daughter. It's funny - encountering these moments helps me to take a deep breadth when I'm feeling overwhelmed by, for example, potty training with Prince. I try to keep reminding myself - before you know it, this will be behind you and the opportunity does not come back. So I try to enjoy the process of "mothering" a bit more - with each child. Even when the morning routine for the past few years meant I could either (a) not work out or (b) work out in the morning and feel like I've been going for five hours when I sit at my desk at 8:30. Coincidentally, my son's birthday present was sleeping through the night with no pull-ups and no accidents.

Time is indeed flying ... so today as I celebrate my birthday, I am thankful for the gift of another year of health, happiness, employment (not to be taken lightly these days) and a beautiful family. I am also reminded that each opportunity to "mother" is also a gift - one that is to be appreciated and enjoyed daily.

Today I will also embrace the fact that I missed the meeting at Princess' school last night that was supposed to wrap up the year of the diversity committee - did I mention I am the co-chair of that committee? But of course, I forgot for the following reasons: (i) my iphone is not synched with my work calendar; (ii) I left work early to take a high school friend who spent the weekend with us back to the airport - so the reminder did not pop up; (iii) there have been school activities almost every day last week and this week; (iv) my work calendar had a glitch yesterday that caused about 20 appointments to pop up all at the same time so I deleted them all; and (v) I was not paying attention to my calendar anyway as I was stressing over the fact that I had to leave work early again as I have to take a day off for Princess' field trip on Thursday and will miss Prince's end of year class party on Friday. So, I embrace this insanity today because in a few years, this is all going to be a distant memory so why taint it?

Thanks!

I can't believe it's almost three months since I've posted anything to my blog - in large part because I have been completely swamped with home-work, play dates, cleaning (I got rid of my cleaning person because we are in a tight economy and I'm trying really hard to make decisions about needs vs. wants), etc. etc. But I'm back and my first post is an ode to thankfulness.

While we are rushing around, dashing from here to there, we have to remind ourselves to stop and smell the roses. To be truly thankful for all the many blessings we have even as everything around us seems to be going crazy. Last week I was reminded that as much as we have to remind ourselves to be thankful as adults, it is never too early to teach our kids how to be thankful as it really is a life lesson.

Last week after we were all hit with the stomach flu (with the exception of hubby who of course was out of the country when we were all busy contracting the virus) and my mom dutifully cared for my entire family, my mom got hit on Saturday - just in time for Princess' school auction and sleep-over.

When Princess started crying, I lost my patience and scolded that she was not being very appreciative of all grandma did to take care of us when we were sick. To which Princess replied "I wish you had started teaching me about being thankful when I was one or two, so now that I'm eight, I would understand better how to be thankful". I stopped and asked - really? I never taught you about thankfulness before? Don't I talk to your brother about being thankful? The retort - "No." So I thanked Princess for her insights and told her she was absolutely right - it is never too early to start teaching kids to be thankful.

So here's to being thankful - for all the bumps, bruises, twists and curves that life throws - there is no way to achieve balance without a healthy dose of thankfulness!

How does he do it?

I don't know how he does it, but whatever the deal, I'm now pretty sure he does it on purpose to flip me off. Ever since my son was three months old, he has had the uncanny ability to catch you at your weakest moment then throw up over EVERYTHING - usually in the bed, which means stripping all the linens, trekking to the laundry two floors down - then starting the entire bed time routine all over again. In fact, he was so skilled at three months, that he won the "cry it out" war and has not slept in his crib since.

Prince is now almost three and a half years old and oops, he did it again. After a long day at work, followed by a trip to the pool to watch and pick up Princess from swim practice, a return trip to the pool after getting home and realizing that Princess left her swimsuit, goggles and other stuff at the pool, etc. etc. (despite the fact that she has a swim backpack that is large enough to carry the entire pool) I'm finally getting the kids to bed. Prince is really congested, so we spend 30 mins looking for the nebulizer, give him some cough syrup and just as I was about to give him some Ocean spray he starts screaming, then coughing, then screaming, then coughing. Then hubby takes him to the next room to show him who the man in the house was. Then Prince let it all out on the bed .... I'm convinced he does this on purpose!

Three (or more) is a crowd

After going out with my hubby (and two other couples) on Saturday night, on the heels of a mini-get away with the hubby the weekend before, I am beginning to realize that it is not only nice, but essential to be able to spend quality time with your hubby away from the kids. For numerous reasons, I feel like I rarely do this - as my mom cares for our kids when we're at work, I feel really badly asking her to help out on the weekend, but I feel worse paying someone else babysit when I could just give my mom the money. So I have found that increasingly, we spend no time together alone unless we're going to do errands (and it's truly a sorry state of affairs when a trip to the grocery store is a date). That's cute when you're dating - not so much when you're married. So this is my plug for re-connecting. I've decided that in my quest to find the ultimate balance, having a social life with my hubby is one of the best presents I could give to my kids.

Then my friend forwarded this article to me ... the author said it so well, I decided to share the link ... let me know what you think!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/05/opinion/05coontz.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

When it rains ...

So I had every intention of making my next post a story about my anniversary rendezvous to Cancun with hubby - first trip together without the family in tow in nine years (our honeymoon cruise with Princess in the oven doesn't count). Now let's be clear - the trip was FANTASTIC! We stayed at this incredible resort - the Me-Cancun - that was an amazing experience from the scented lobby when you first arrive, the hip music, the incredible food, the outstanding service, the romantic bali beds overlooking the pool and the ocean and the list can go on. I have now decided that after nine years, solo trips for the marriage are essential - there's nothing like it for reconnecting with your hubby and for getting real sleep.

But despite these wonderful thoughts, what got me to my computer two nights after returning home is the electric jolt with which I was brought back to reality almost immediately upon touching down at Reagan National Airport.

First the drizzle ... 45 minutes to find the car after we arrived home because hubby, who drove us to the airport, didn't remember where he parked the car. Now it occurred to me that I should pay attention, but every once in a while, I dare to believe that my extremely detail oriented hubby (at least when it comes to putting out the garbage and paying the bills) would think to pay attention to where he is parking the car. Alas, this was not to be. Now in his defense, we did catch a 6am flight out after a rough week at work and parenting (and school for hubby). But seriously, after a lavish three night retreat and a too long flight to get home, getting into the car should NOT, under any circumstances, take 45 minutes (after wife decides to check the ground floor of the parking lot after walking back and forth on the same three floors).

Then we arrive home. To say the kids are thrilled to see us would be the understatement of the year. My daughter is SO excited that she prepares a "dish" that includes butter, eggs, water, chocolate sauce and other ingredients I cannot recall. I must find a way to gently let Princess know that while I appreciate the kind gesture, that "dish" simply is not for human consumption. To which she replies "you think it's disgusting, don't you?" I smile and hug her and assure her it's not disgusting, just not edible. Did I mention I was exhausted?

It's raining now: we finally get the kids to bed - Princess wakes up the next morning complaining of an itchy throat. Lovely, I now recall the e-mail from the nurse at school that there were two reported cases of strep in her class last week - so she stays home for the day. When I call home during the day to check-in, my mom informs me that she chipped her tooth/filling and would have to go the dentist the next day. This would also be the day that mom has an appointment (long standing) with a specialist.

The downpour: next day - Princess claims to still not be feeling better and while I know in my heart she doesn't have strep, my head won't let me not take her to the doctor. So now what is on my agenda for today? Mom has two doctor's appointments, Prince has school, Princess is sick and hubby and I can't possibly take time off work when every day another 10,000 plus people lose their jobs. And of course while everyone is willing to help me make this happen, let's be clear, this is something that I have to figure out. So after hours of twitching, starting the e-mail to my boss and deleting it three times, I decide on "the plan".

.... Prince is not going to school because he's in pre-school anyway so I've got to let this one go. Hubby will stay at home with Prince and Princess in the morning while mom gets to her appointments. I will catch a ride to work with a friend. Hubby will pick me up (from work) before he goes into the office around 11 am (of course I had a meeting scheduled at 10, which was cancelled by 10:05). I drop hubby at the metro and head home with the kids and get them something to eat until mom gets home. When mom arrives, I head back to the office. By 6:30pm when I'm leaving work (didn't make the 5:30 escape to the gym) who am I kidding - I'm not going to the gym now - all I want to do is go home.

Two days back and I'm ready for another vacation, because the number one law of motherhood is to accept the fact that once it starts raining .....

Double Lives

Several years ago I did a pretty unscientific survey.  I was in the job market having recently returned to the country from a stint abroad and feeling pretty optimistic about my future.  I was trying to transition from law firm to "anything but a law firm".  So I did some temp work and started my search.  At this point I only had one child - Princess.  After a very short time I landed a pretty good job - at a law firm - but was generally happy to be employed (so I didn't complain).  An interesting side bar - at the end of my job search, I had two offers.  Both offers were from firms where I did not mention the fact that I had kids during the interview.  I did not get any offers from firms (or even academic institutions) where I mentioned my daughter (even in passing).

Flashback ... when we were graduating from law school, a friend who just had her first son was talking about the interviewing process and she commented that you cannot talk about your kids during an interview.  Back then, childless and not even married, I replied - if you can't tell a prospective employer about your kids, then that's not a job you want anyway.

Now it's 2009 and I find myself making a new pledge - not to talk about my kids at work.  Toward the end of last year I started realizing that anytime I mentioned my kids in relation to time off etc., I started hearing references to my kids often in very patronizing ways - like "I completely understand that you have to leave early sometimes because you've got kids ... but I don't mind!" The first time - no problem, the second time, kinda strange, but by the third time, you just have to shut it down.

So I've decided in the interest of my professional development, it's better not to mention my kids.  No early pick-ups, no doctor's appointments, no parent-teacher conferences, no class plays, nothing ... nada ....  Because the sad but true reality that we sometimes live as mothers is that your boss probably does not want to hear about your kids (even when he says he does).... especially if that discussion involves a reason why you won't be doing what s/he's paying you to do. Now if you're a father, the rules change - but that's a post for another day!

Unleashed

BK (before kids) - I recall seeing children on leashes while walking with their parents through a store or mall.  Given my Caribbean roots, I recall thinking self-righteously "who on earth would put their child on a leash"?  

AK (after kids and Prince in particular) - we are leaving swimming practice - Prince, Princess, my mom and me (hubby is at class tonight).  Prince takes off, running like Dash on the Incredibles - and I'm wearing three inch heels having gone straight to the pool from work.  I can't catch him.  I scream after him, but having absolutely no sense of the danger he is in, Prince runs even faster.  I tell Princess to run after him, she obeys and catches up to him, but he fights her off before I can get there then he's off again - into the parking lot - it's dark and anything can happen.  My heart is racing, I'm terrified and he is laughing hysterically.  Did I mention Prince cost me several thousand dollars as soon as he learned to walk because we had to install a fence around our home after a few similarly horrible experiences at home?  Anyway, I finally catch him safely at the car (only by the grace of God) and I'm livid and terrified.  The entire drive home I contemplated heading to Target tomorrow to purchase a leash - Eddie Bauer has a cute "harness buddy" and I'd rather seem like an evil parent than have to even think the unthinkable.

"Me First" Sunday

So this Sunday I decided to put "me" first after my mom shared an excerpt of the Michelle Obama biography with me on Saturday.  According to the book, when Michelle was up early one morning with baby Sasha, feeling tired and out of shape, she looked across to see her husband (yes, that would be Barack Obama) sleeping soundly at her side.  Michelle then decided - at 4:30 in the morning to go to the gym only to get home and find that her girls were up and fed.  Michelle then commented that with men the order of things is: "me" first, family second, God is somewhere in the equation then there is everything else. She then correctly noted that with women, we have the tendency to put "me" fourth.

This reminds me of the decision that I made when Prince was born (almost five years after I suffered through numerous nighttime feedings, changings, burpings etc., etc., with Princess).  Much like Doree in Nemo who sings "just keep swimming", I forced myself to "just keep sleeping" when Prince woke up crying.  I thought to myself, if I just keep sleeping at some point my husband would hear the son who he adored and feel the need to care for his needs just as I did (particularly because my husband always goes into work later than I do).  And to my surprise, I was right.  My theory worked.  Night after night I listened to my hubby dutifully wake up and care for our son until it got to the point where even if I woke up to care of him, he screamed and cried and demanded his dad.  Yet, in so many other areas of my life, I find myself slipping into the "me fourth" pattern.  

So on Saturday when Princess started commenting that her body hurt (i.e. her muscles hurt) after gymnastics and swimming classes that I dutifully take her to and sit on my behind for two hours while ensuring that she gets the necessary exercise to stay fit and healthy, I decided - tomorrow, it's "me" first.  And I did it - woke up at 9:30 - headed to my hot yoga class by 10:00 then got home by noon and proceeded to be mommy again.  Of course, I felt a bit out of sorts for the rest of the day.  But today, my muscles ache ... and I can smile from the effects of "me first Sunday"!

Computer Engineer

So it's been a while since I've blogged - caught up in the holiday fever and trying to stay calm in the midst of the hell that is the private school  application process.  But the events of this weekend forced me to get online again.

Last weekend I decided that it was time to paint the playroom.  I was tired of seeing the dirt streaked walls and after all, I purchased my $5 gallon of "oops" paint at Home Depot months ago.  Enough procrastinating about moving all the toys, getting behind the piano, etc., etc., etc.  I went to Ikea, picked up some storage items, then decided to get to work.  After heading to the basement to get my painting supplies, I discovered that my hubby must have thrown out the roller after our last paint job.  It's now 9pm and my dream of a painted play room is now slowly slipping away.  But hubby offers to go pick up the roller because Home Depot doesn't close until 10pm.  I'm thrilled - I'm going to get the job done after all!  

When hubby heads to HD, I decide to do some brain quest activities with princess and prince is running around - not begging for attention, not getting in the way, just being a good little boy.  Hubby returns home about 30 minutes later with my roller - I thank him, he heads upstairs, then I hear the following: "Prince took all the keys off my computer!!!!!!!!" To which I reply: "What?"  I mean seriously, I could not have heard him right.  Because that just cannot be possible.  Then he repeats it - the agitation in his voice growing.  I fly - literally - up the stairs to the bedroom and stare in horror - no, disbelief - no, amazement - no, shock.  I've never seen anything like it - ALL the keys were off the computer and strewn all over the bedroom - bed, floor, everywhere!  Of course, hubby blamed me for insisting that the computer should be community property (and probably also for requiring him to go to Home Depot).  Of course, hubby isn't blaming himself for leaving the computer, unattended on the bed, while heading down the street.

So I spend the next three hours dutifully piecing together the keyboard on the macbook (because of course there is no way hubby can even begin to attempt this task as he won't even assemble IKEA furniture).  By 1am, we are down to seven broken keys. So I then spent the next three hours painting because I was so wound up by the night's events that I could not sleep if I tried.  Fortunately, the mac store saved my marriage by replacing the broken keys for free on Sunday morning (that's my plug for Apple).  And I'm thinking ... who wants to be an Engineer?